We are taught at a very young age to look both ways before crossing the street.. I thought I looked both ways when I was about to cross at an intersection as a child with my bike.  I didn’t see the car that was going to turn the corner in my direction and slammed my bike into him (fortunately just a few stitches).  I have also failed to pause and listen for God’s will to avoid the oncoming traffic of life.  Instead, I reacted and the accidents or consequences were worse than a few stitches.
 
We get messages from the echoes of our past (e.g. “your not going to amount to anything”), from our conscious (“that was a lie”), from our brain, in the form of deceptive brain messages (according to Dr Schwartz in “You Are Not. Your Brain”), from our inner child as he screams at us to find relief in unhealthy coping(according to Dr Capparucci in “Going Deeper”), and from our trauma “my stomach is tied in knots” (according to Dr Van Der Kemp in “The Body Keeps Score), from the world in the form of distorted thinking (“the news makes me feel unsafe”).   Each distracting us from hearing what God wants for us.
 
The first step is finding ways to build awareness that provides the necessary skill to detect that something is not right.  We then can pause, slow down and reflect.  Possibly ask “what is going on right now”, “why am I feeling out of sorts”, “is this due to a deceptive message, a shame wave, an echo or my inner child?”.  These or other questions will provide a means for detecting the source and addressing the distorted thinking, “oh that is just my past, or my shame, or my brain again” (Dr Schwartz research shows how our brain creates deceptive brain messages through broken circuits).  
 
God’s voice can be detected. We are called to seek God’s will and to surrender, seeking his guidance and wisdom in important decisions, responses, investments, changes, and struggles.  But we often don’t pause “to look both ways” and listen for Him, the noise can be very distracting.   It may require a phone call first to an advisor, mentor or sponsor and give you the time to reflect and remember to ‘be still and know that I am God’, and ‘to let go and let God’.  
 
So, when the traffic of life gets too busy look both ways and listen!

In her article in Psychology Today Dr Webb lays out this list of reasons we tend to avoid emotional situations:

• A feeling of being generally inferior to others with a tendency toward shame.
• Hesitance to try new activities, pursue goals, or meet new people.
• Fear of being criticized, rejected, or judged.
• A concern that others will find them lacking or even unappealing.
• Tendency to keep people at arm’s length.
• Tendency to be restricted and somewhat anxious in social settings.

She then lays out some suggested approaches:

How to Confront vs. Avoid

1. Ask yourself these questions: What did you need to avoid in your childhood home? What was going on that was difficult to deal with?
2. Know that you did the best you knew how as a child. But now, avoidance is not serving you. You can learn and implement much more effective coping strategies.
3. Become aware of your avoidant behaviors. When do you do it? Why do you do it? How do you feel before, during, and after you avoid it? Are there certain emotions you’re avoiding?
4. Identify any themes you notice. Maybe you avoid social situations? Work or school? New opportunities?
5. Create a hierarchy. A hierarchy is a system you can follow to make this process easier and more manageable. Identify things you avoid but are willing to confront at the top of the list. At the bottom of your list are things you avoid that would be extremely difficult to face. Start at the top and work your way down.
6. Learn more about childhood emotional neglect and its relationship with avoidance. This is a great way to understand the function behind your avoidant behaviors.

See more of the article by clicking here 

Summary: Consider reviewing these questions daily or throughout the week, or at a timeframe that works best for you.  You don't have to do all of them all at once.  They are meant as a means for reflection, growth and learning.

Daily Reflection
 
I. Feeling's - Was i fearful, anxious, shamed or angry? 

II. Drivers of the feelings - What beliefs or thoughts did I have that may have contributed to these feelings?  Was I disappointed?  Did I have resentments or unrealistic expectations? Am I keeping secrets or being dishonest?  Do I owe an apology or do I need to process an issue with someone?  How drained was I emotionally, spiritually, physically or mentally?  

III. Inner child - Where was my kid activated and how?  What were the circumstances? Which of my Core Emotional Triggers got activated (e.g. alone, abandoned, unheard, ignored, never enough, bored, blamed, criticized)?  What were the precursors to him getting activated (people, places, things, events)?  

IV. Shortcomings / blindspots - what do I want to work on (e.g. selfishness, isolating, connecting, honesty, being present, empathy, emotional intelligence)?

IV. Gratitudes - What am I grateful for?  ( eg My sobriety, my health, my small wins today, the man I am becoming).  Where did I receive gifts of grace?  

 V. Prayer - Who / what do I want to pray for? (e.g. “God (higher power) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”. 

VI. Affirmations - “I am a good person working hard on recovery, doing good work and strengthening my emotion resilience and recovery tools.  I recognize I am human and make mistakes, but I am leaning and growing in my ability to love myself, others and forgive.”

VII. Surrender - What do I need to surrender from the day that I cannot change or control?  

VIII. Insights – what do I want to integrate?

There seem to be a multitude of challenges in recovery for the family that add to the difficulties for recovery and marital and family healing.   A notable paradox is the family is incredibly invested in the individuals healthy and healing, but they want to keep it a secret, often even within the family, which contributes to addictions becoming a generational disease (or perpetuating one).
 
Also, even though they are the victims, family members (especially spouses) wonder what did they do wrong, why weren’t they enough, why couldn’t the addict come to them?  And yet, the compulsive behaviors in predominant cases have little to do with family and are most often driven by unresolved childhood wounds, the addict’s inability to sit in emotional discomfort, almost complete lack of childhood emotional development that leads to an inability to connect and place the emotions of the betrayed partner before their own ("Going Deeper", Dr. Eddie Capparucci).
 
What is also confounding is that shame is a significant contributor to the development of the addiction (“Healing the Shame that Binds You”, Bradshaw), and the seeming unstoppable need for escape and medication through the unhealthy behaviors result in even more shame.  Thus, creating a reinforcing dynamic of shame begets shame, adding to the difficulty of breaking the hold the behavior has on the addict.  
 
Another common dilemma is the addict is their selfishness recovery putting their recovery in front of everything and everyone.  Going to meetings, working on the 12 steps, counseling, fellowship, supporting others all take time away from a family that has been devastated by the revelations and addicts’ behaviors.  After monumentally painful revelations about the addictive behavior the family is asked to be patient, supportive and compassionate as they sift through a great deal of their own remorse and healing.
 
The unhealthy and destructive behaviors are easy to see (eating, drinking, sexing, drugging, gambling, gaming, social media), and for many easy to suggest “just stop it”.  Yet the underlying cocktail of chemical, neurological and emotional distress (that are the root of the problem) are infinitely complex, difficult to explain in simple laymen’s terms, and are impossible to see.  So, the effort is often put into stopping the behaviors and (spouses especially) watching for telltale signs of relapse instead of focusing on the core issues described above.
 
One last challenging dynamic is that addicts develop a dual persona.  They have such a profound need to be seen as ‘a good person’ due to self-loathing they create a very positive loving, giving outward persona to mask the underlying adonizing pain they are shackles them.  Loved ones and friends are often incredibly shocked by the revelations, “He is such an amazing guy, that’s so hard to believe”, is often the comment.
 
This is not meant to give the addict a pass on their behaviors.  At the end of the day, the addict is responsible for their adult behaviors and choices.  But it hopefully adds some light into the darkness of the complexity and pain and inherent complexities when dealing with your family members who are trying to climb out of the pit of despair.
 

Emotional Maturity
 
Those of us who develop unhealthy coping habits do so in part because of our lack of emotional maturity.  We missed the developmental parenting required to build humility, vulnerability, honesty, openness, fairness, sincerity, and several other qualities.  Here is an explanation of what it is and what it isn’t.  
 
What it is and is not
 
Maturity means that a person, animal, or plant has reached their final stage of growth. Someone who hasn’t reached that stage is immature. That’s easy to understand when it comes to physical development, but what does it mean to be emotionally immature?
 
The American Psychological Association defines emotional maturity as “a high and appropriate level of emotional control and expression.” Emotional immaturity, on the other hand, is “a tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation.”. In other words, emotional behavior that is out of control or not appropriate to the situation can be considered immature. It’s more like the emotional reactions you might expect to see from a child than from an adult.

Signs of Emotional Immaturity

People who are emotionally immature don’t meet society's expectations for social behavior within their age range. It’s safe to assume that a grown-up will be able to consider their impact on others and pay attention to their feelings. Emotionally mature people can accept criticism and learn from it. Adults with emotional maturity can think about and plan for the future as well. People with emotional immaturity, however, struggle with these things.

People who are emotionally mature share these characteristics, they:

1. take full responsibility for their feelings, their reactions, and their lives.
2. people are able to hold empathy for themselves and others simultaneously.
3. speak up and tell the truth, even when it’s hard.
4. they respect others boundaries and establish their own

Emotionally immature people lack certain emotional and social skills and have trouble relating to other adults. Some behaviors can be a signal that you’re dealing with an emotionally immature person:

Impulsive behavior. Children are often impulsive. They speak out of turn or touch things that they shouldn’t touch. They say things without thinking about how they’ll affect other people. Over time, people learn not to do those things. Emotionally immature adults haven’t learned to curb their impulses. They act in unpredictable or antisocial ways.

Demanding attention. Young children get bored when people don’t pay attention to them. They’ll do things to draw the focus back to themselves, even if that means acting out in negative ways. Emotionally immature adults often do the same. They might not act out in negative ways, but they may inject themselves into conversations or crack inappropriate jokes to get everyone’s attention.

Name-calling and bullying. In general, adults don’t resort to schoolyard tactics when they relate to other adults. You seldom see two adults calling each other mean names. Someone who behaves like a mean kid in school is not using mature emotional tactics. Instead, they are relying on childlike displays of temper.

Avoidance. Emotionally immature people may not have a good sense of the future or how to plan for it. Refusing to take on significant responsibilities like committed relationships, careers, or investments like homeownership are signs of avoiding responsibility. People like this might let others take care of them way beyond the point that they should be self-sufficient. This is sometimes called Peter Pan syndrome, after the fictional character who never wanted to grow up. 

Narcissism. An essential facet of maturity is the ability to think about other people’s needs and feelings. Immature people only appear to care about themselves. They dislike compromise and don’t want to take other people’s ideas into account. They always want to have their own way.
 
Source: Psychology Today
 
 
 

"I feel so completely ignored, attacked, criticized, lonely, abandoned and am hurting I need to find relief or I am going to lose it!".  This is a common message we can get that will lead us to a level of desperation we can't seem to ignore it or make it go away other than through watching pornography or some other unhealthy and unwanted sexual behavior.  This is what is a common feeling when dealing with a core emotional trigger.

In his book Going Deeper, Dr Capparucci lays out two techniques to combat and arrest these overwhelming feelings.  First and foremost be aware of your own levels of distress.  Throughout the day check in to see if you are emotionally (angry, stressed, frustrated), mentally (financial or work distress), spiritually (not in study, fellowship or the word), or physical (tired, feeling over weight, ache and pains, health issues).  Any of these can be an early warning sign.  Learn to check in, journal, talk others daily about life's stressors.  

The second aspect is building emotional resilience when core emotional triggers arise, the following illustrates the recommended steps.