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Recovery principles - From Business Success Principles
Napoleon Hill “Think and Grow Rich” In the Autumn of 1908, Andrew Carnegie turned what Napoleon Hill thought was going to be a 3 hour interview into a life-long challenge. Carnegie directed Hll to write a philosophy of success based on the experience of the world’s greatest achievers. Carnegie did not fund the project but he introduced Hill to the likes of Edison, Einstein, Ford, JP Morgan and the results of the research was based on over 500 interviews with the leaders of the time. Their insights were then narrowed down into a set of principles and contribute to what Hill refers to as an overall “Philosophy of Achievement.” However, refusing to let Think and Grow Rich be defined purely as a method or system for success, Hill stated that the goals of his book were: To help the reader become self-aware (mindfulness). To help the reader understand how to become more effective (focus on recovery as a primary goal).. Below are the list of the key principles described in detail in the book. It is a book about business success, however the principles of success that Hill outlines in detail are of significant use in recovery: A burning desire - We can only accomplish our aims if we are driven by a burning desire. Faith - Having an unwavering faith in themselves and in God Planning - Goal setting and detailed planning are the basis of every achievement Direction / purpose - Having a clear idea of what you want to achieve. Self talk - Auto-suggestion describes a way of influencing yourself by thinking very specific and purposeful thoughts or ideas. Knowledge not book smarts - being committed to continuous learning and knowing who / where to find the information Determination and steadfastness -The analysis of over 25,000 life stories of people who failed to achieve professional success shows that a lack of determination is the main reason for their failure. Positive emotions – and need to be strengthened - our subconscious not only influences our thought life but also our actions. Hill uses the metaphor that emotions attached to thought are like yeast in a loaf of bread; they encourage action, e.g., they make the bread rise. Depending on whether the emotion is positive or negative will result in either a remarkable or disastrous loaf of bread. Persistence and endurance - If you want persistence and endurance to take root in your habits, here are four simple yet crucial rules:
Outwit the Six Ghosts of Fear Before you are ready to integrate the philosophy laid out in this book, Hill states that you must ensure that you aren’t being held back by any of what he refers to as “the six basic fears.” The six fears are the fear of:
The book is focused on business success, however there are a number of worthy insights for those in recovery that are consistent with principles from trauma, inner child work and 12 step programs. Surround yourself with others who will challenge and support you, develop both a mindset and determination that you are ‘recovering’. Timeless principles from a book published around the same time as 'The Big Book'. Go figure.
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Unwinding Anxiety
Judson Brewwer, MD, Phd - Summary Blinkist Understanding the psychology of your destructive habits is key to breaking them John had what seemed like a drinking problem. Every night he’d drink six to eight shots of whiskey, pass out, and begin again the next evening. But when he looked more closely at his addictive habits, John realized that, in fact, anxiety was fueling his drinking. He was anxious about his workload, so he drank to experience temporary numbness and distraction. But, of course, the drinking only made things worse. He was stuck in a destructive cycle known as a habit loop. When John started to mindmap his habit loops, he began to understand his own mind much more clearly and get more perspective on his life. The first step in understanding your own anxiety is simply mapping your own habit loops. What kinds of situations trigger anxiety or other difficult feelings? And with which behaviors has your brain learned to respond as a way to soothe or distract you? Do you get angry, or try to numb yourself with Netflix? And what is the result of these behaviors? Write down as many habit loops as you can think of. This can be a very exciting process of discovery. You may feel like you finally understand your motivations and blind spots. But don’t fall into the trap of immediately trying to fix and change your habit loops. Unfortunately, the impulse to fix and change can become a habit loop in itself. That’s why people become addicted to self-help books. In order to change our habit loops, we have to discard old tools that don’t actually work. For example, if you’ve ever tried to use willpower to stop comfort eating, you’ll know it doesn’t work – or not consistently, at least. This is because when we’re feeling stressed, our rational, reasoning brains shut down. And this is precisely the part that regulates impulse control. Substituting a damaging behavior for another, better one also doesn’t work for everyone. The same thing goes for trying to control your habit by controlling your environment – for example, by making sure there’s no ice cream in the freezer for binge eating. The problem here is that these strategies don’t actually change the fundamental habit loop; they just try to distract or divert you. Habits are deeply ingrained in our brains. In order to change them, you’ll also have to change how you think about them. Imagine waking up every day and having to learn how to eat breakfast or use your phone all over again, with all your knowledge wiped out overnight. It would make life completely untenable. Our brains are skilled at committing behaviors to our muscle memory, so that we can do them without thinking. In fact, a 2010 Harvard University study found that we live on autopilot about 50 percent of the time. While this can be useful, it also means that we lose awareness of our thought processes. That means that we can’t interrupt destructive habit loops – because we don’t even know they’re happening! The scientific name for the part of the brain that kicks into gear when we’re on autopilot is the Default Mode Network (DMN). Whenever we’re daydreaming or worrying, this part of the brain is activated. It also switches on when we engage in perseverative thinking, or having obsessive, disturbing thoughts. More specifically, those things activate a hub of the DMN called the posterior cingulate cortex (PCC). The PCC is similarly activated when people are craving something to which they’re addicted. Such perseverative thinking is a major reason why it’s so hard to recover from depression and anxiety disorders. By obsessively worrying and beating ourselves up, we end up creating a low mood, which just reinforces those negative thoughts. How can we interrupt this destructive cycle? One of the best ways is to spend less time on autopilot. The practice of becoming conscious of our thoughts is known as mindfulness. Contrary to popular belief, mindfulness isn’t about emptying our minds and becoming Zen masters. It’s simply about learning to become aware of what’s in our minds. The author and his team ran an experiment in which they tested whether regular meditation and mindfulness training affected people’s brains. MRI scans revealed that experienced meditators had a much less active DMN. They then ran a further experiment to see whether mindfulness training could help people stop smoking. Sure enough, it reduced the activation of the PCC – the hub in the brain that turbocharges obsessive and addictive thoughts. Mindfulness training will be a key tool in interrupting your own habit loops — and untangling your anxiety. The next blink explores how to put it into practice. We can’t change our habits without changing how we think about rewards. Imagine someone offered you the option of eating either a plate of boiled broccoli or a slice of cream cake. Your brain would probably be screaming at you to take the cake. That's because the cake has more calories. That means your brain gets a bigger dopamine “reward” when you eat it. And there’s also an emotional reward. Most of us associate cake with fun and parties and celebration. We have countless associations etched into our neural pathways. That’s why it’s so hard to get yourself to choose broccoli instead of cake. The cake is much more rewarding. And the more rewarding the habit, the stronger it is. The problem is that our brains often store outdated ideas about how rewarding a behavior is. To take the cake example, our brains associate cake with fun and childlike delight. But the reality is that mindlessly cramming a piece of cake in your mouth because you’re stressed or sad won’t make you feel like that kid at the party. It will probably give you a brief dopamine hit, but leave you feeling cranky and bloated when the sugar rush wears off. When we live our lives on autopilot, our brains get stuck on these outdated notions of how rewarding particular behaviors are. But when we bring some mindfulness to what we’re doing, we have the chance to assess what the real rewards are in the present moment. When you notice yourself performing a habitual behavior like smoking or procrastinating, ask yourself, “What am I getting out of this?” What does your cigarette actually taste like? How do you feel when you’re smoking, and once the nicotine leaves your body? Focusing on the actual experience will likely show you that the "rewarding" behavior is not that enjoyable in the moment. That will immediately make the habit easier to break. The stronger the reward, the stronger the habit. If the brain realizes that a behavior isn’t as rewarding as it thought, it will be less likely to want to do it. Remember, this isn’t an intellectual exercise. It’s not about trying to talk yourself out of doing something you enjoy. Rather, it’s about observing the reality of the situation, and how the behaviors feel. It’s about discovering that the enjoyment may have been illusory. Cultivate a compassionate mindset. Focusing on our habit loops can be a very uncomfortable process. After all, we’ve spent years trying to numb ourselves against difficult feelings and distract ourselves from them. Now we’re giving them our full attention, and examining them under a microscope. It can be even more discouraging if you feel like you’re not making progress. After all, you can see clearly that your behaviors don’t have real rewards. So why do you keep indulging them? This impatience is natural, but it’s not helpful. After all, you may have had these habit loops for decades. You can’t expect them to disappear overnight. Many of us have become used to trying to change our behavior by criticizing ourselves harshly. This becomes a habit loop all on its own. More likely than not, the critical loop will be activated as you try to unlearn your habits. You’ll think to yourself, “I’m such a loser, I can’t change,” or “This is never going to work.” Unfortunately, these loops will actually serve to keep you stuck. You become trapped in a cycle of despair and self-flagellation that will keep you on autopilot survival mode. When you feel like that, it can be helpful to practice taking yourself less seriously. You could think something like “there goes my silly brain again.” Remember that your brain is just trying to help you. It’s seeking out dopamine rewards that temporarily cushion you from difficult feelings. Practice being compassionate toward yourself and the survival behaviors that you cultivated to try to get through stressful situations. And remember that failure is part of the process. In fact, it’s the greatest teacher of all. Researcher Carol Dweck has argued that some people have fixed mindsets – they believe their intelligence and talents are innate and finite. Other people have a growth mindset. They believe they can learn and grow as they go along. The latter crowd is much more resilient. They see mistakes as a chance to develop. When you’re unlearning habit loops, it’s essential to adopt a growth mindset, and see everything as an opportunity for development. Did you binge after weeks of healthy eating? Good – that’s a valuable reminder for your brain of how much better it felt to eat well. Are you feeling restless and frustrated with your old habits? Great – that shows how eager you are for change. Curiosity is your anxiety-busting superpower Children famously have a stage in which they ask questions about everything they observe in the world. Why do cats have long tails? Why do their parents drink wine, but they can’t? They’re naturally curious about everything they see. But as adults, we start to restrict our curiosity to filling information gaps – like when we’re stuck in traffic and need to know how long it will take to clear. Seeking specific information that we’re missing is known as deprivation curiosity. Childlike curiosity about everything and anything is called interest-based curiosity. This is the kind we need to cultivate. Interest-based curiosity is the love of learning new things, without any particular goal in mind. It’s an expansive way of seeing the world that keeps you attentive to the details of what’s happening. It also helps you to remember new information. Experiments at the University of California–Davis have shown that when people are curious, the dopamine pathways in their brains fire up, activating the connection between the reward centers and the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain associated with memory. Cultivating your natural curiosity is an essential tool for breaking anxious habit loops. The next time you’re in a panicky state, try letting out a loud “Hmmmm” sound. That’s right – the sound you make when you’re interested in something and trying to work out what it is. Instantly, that act will propel you into a curious mindset, and make you ask questions like “What’s going on here?” It might also make you feel a little foolish, which is a good thing. Curiosity and playfulness go well together. Change – even positive change – can be very challenging. Remember, our survival systems love certainty. If you’ve been anxious your whole life, it probably felt cruddy – but at least you always knew what to expect. As you start to break old habits, your survival brain might become alarmed by this strange, new terrain. That's where curiosity comes in. Instead of giving in to the stress, use a curious mindset to simply observe how you’re feeling and track your bodily sensations. Curiosity feels good. Your brain will realize that curiosity is what’s known as a BBO, or a bigger, better offer. It’s much more rewarding than the anxious state you used to inhabit all the time. Participants in Alcoholics Anonymous programs who want to get sober are taught to take it one day at a time. Instead of casting their minds forward to a lifetime of sobriety, they ask themselves, “Can I stay sober today?” Anxiety sobriety requires a similar approach. The future is full of uncertainty. Thinking about how to break your future anxious habit loops will only make you anxious right now. Instead, you need to ask yourself, “Can I do my mindfulness exercises and cultivate curiosity today? Or in the next hour?” Whenever you do start to tense up, or wonder how you’ll survive even one day, remind yourself that you’ve developed important tools to help you break difficult habits. You should have faith in your own abilities and resilience. You may well come up against difficult feelings, or even panic attacks, but the way you deal with them has changed. The best way to deal with an anxiety loop in the moment is actually to lean into it. This process can be explained using the RAIN system. First, you recognize the difficult feelings that are arising. Next, you consciously accept them, and allow them to be there. Then you investigate the sensations in your body, and the emotions bubbling up. And lastly, you note what’s going on, and simply observe yourself in the process. RAIN uses your curiosity superpower to help your brain transition out of its anxious, panicky state. Breathing exercises are another great way to transition through anxious phases. Breathing helps you to stay focused on your body, instead of trying to think your way out of the situation. Breathing slowly and deeply makes us feel relaxed in the moment. It sends important messages to our brain that we’re actually safe and don’t need to be on high alert. Some days, you may feel as if you’ve made no progress at all, and think that you’ll be trapped in anxious thinking forever. But by now you’ve learned to recognize that despondency and self-criticism are just another survival mechanism. Every time your brain espouses a view starting with an extreme like “always” or “never,” that should tip you off. Instead of getting lost in the despondency cycle, you can bring in a bigger, better reward like curiosity, or kindness, or simply laughing at yourself. You don’t need to plan how to do that forever, or even for the whole day. Right now, in this moment, are you able to become curious about your feelings and sensations? Good. Your anxiety sobriety has begun. In her article in Psychology Today Dr Webb lays out this list of reasons we tend to avoid emotional situations:
She then lays out some suggested approaches: How to Confront vs. Avoid
Unwinding Anxiety, Judson Brewwer, MD, Phd - Summary, Blinkist 2022’
Understanding the psychology of your destructive habits is key to breaking them John had what seemed like a drinking problem. Every night he’d drink six to eight shots of whiskey, pass out, and begin again the next evening. But when he looked more closely at his addictive habits, John realized that, in fact, anxiety was fueling his drinking. He was anxious about his workload, so he drank to experience temporary numbness and distraction. But, of course, the drinking only made things worse. He was stuck in a destructive cycle known as a habit loop When John started to mindmap his habit loops, he began to understand his own mind much more clearly and get more perspective on his life. The key message is this: Understanding the psychology of your destructive habits is key to breaking them. The first step in understanding your own anxiety is simply mapping your own habit loops. What kinds of situations trigger anxiety or other difficult feelings? And with which behaviors has your brain learned to respond as a way to soothe or distract you? Do you get angry, or try to numb yourself with Netflix? And what is the result of these behaviors? Write down as many habit loops as you can think of. This can be a very exciting process of discovery. You may feel like you finally understand your motivations and blind spots. But don’t fall into the trap of immediately trying to fix and change your habit loops. Unfortunately, the impulse to fix and change can become a habit loop in itself. That’s why people become addicted to self-help books. In order to change our habit loops, we have to discard old tools that don’t actually work. For example, if you’ve ever tried to use willpower to stop comfort eating, you’ll know it doesn’t work – or not consistently, at least. This is because when we’re feeling stressed, our rational, reasoning brains shut down. And this is precisely the part that regulates impulse control. Substituting a damaging behavior for another, better one also doesn’t work for everyone. The same thing goes for trying to control your habit by controlling your environment – for example, by making sure there’s no ice cream in the freezer for binge eating. The problem here is that these strategies don’t actually change the fundamental habit loop; they just try to distract or divert you. Habits are deeply ingrained in our brains. In order to change them, you’ll also have to change how you think about them. Mindfulness is a key tool in untangling anxious habit loops. Imagine waking up every day and having to learn how to eat breakfast or use your phone all over again, with all your knowledge wiped out overnight. It would make life completely untenable. Our brains are skilled at committing behaviors to our muscle memory, so that we can do them without thinking. In fact, a 2010 Harvard University study found that we live on autopilot about 50 percent of the time. While this can be useful, it also means that we lose awareness of our thought processes. That means that we can’t interrupt destructive habit loops – because we don’t even know they’re happening! The key message here is: Mindfulness is a key tool in untangling anxious habit loops. The scientific name for the part of the brain that kicks into gear when we’re on autopilot is the Default Mode Network (DMN). Whenever we’re daydreaming or worrying, this part of the brain is activated. It also switches on when we engage in perseverative thinking, or having obsessive, disturbing thoughts. More specifically, those things activate a hub of the DMN called the posterior cingulate cortex (PCC). The PCC is similarly activated when people are craving something to which they’re addicted. Such perseverative thinking is a major reason why it’s so hard to recover from depression and anxiety disorders. By obsessively worrying and beating ourselves up, we end up creating a low mood, which just reinforces those negative thoughts. How can we interrupt this destructive cycle? One of the best ways is to spend less time on autopilot. The practice of becoming conscious of our thoughts is known as mindfulness. Contrary to popular belief, mindfulness isn’t about emptying our minds and becoming Zen masters. It’s simply about learning to become aware of what’s in our minds. The author and his team ran an experiment in which they tested whether regular meditation and mindfulness training affected people’s brains. MRI scans revealed that experienced meditators had a much less active DMN. They then ran a further experiment to see whether mindfulness training could help people stop smoking. Sure enough, it reduced the activation of the PCC – the hub in the brain that turbocharges obsessive and addictive thoughts. Mindfulness training will be a key tool in interrupting your own habit loops — and untangling your anxiety. The next blink explores how to put it into practice. We can’t change our habits without changing how we think about rewards. Imagine someone offered you the option of eating either a plate of boiled broccoli or a slice of cream cake. Your brain would probably be screaming at you to take the cake. That's because the cake has more calories. That means your brain gets a bigger dopamine “reward” when you eat it. And there’s also an emotional reward. Most of us associate cake with fun and parties and celebration. We have countless associations etched into our neural pathways. That’s why it’s so hard to get yourself to choose broccoli instead of cake. The cake is much more rewarding. And the more rewarding the habit, the stronger it is. Here’s the key message: We can’t change our habits without changing how we think about rewards. The problem is that our brains often store outdated ideas about how rewarding a behavior is. To take the cake example, our brains associate cake with fun and childlike delight. But the reality is that mindlessly cramming a piece of cake in your mouth because you’re stressed or sad won’t make you feel like that kid at the party. It will probably give you a brief dopamine hit, but leave you feeling cranky and bloated when the sugar rush wears off. When we live our lives on autopilot, our brains get stuck on these outdated notions of how rewarding particular behaviors are. But when we bring some mindfulness to what we’re doing, we have the chance to assess what the real rewards are in the present moment. When you notice yourself performing a habitual behavior like smoking or procrastinating, ask yourself, “What am I getting out of this?” What does your cigarette actually taste like? How do you feel when you’re smoking, and once the nicotine leaves your body? Focusing on the actual experience will likely show you that the "rewarding" behavior is not that enjoyable in the moment. That will immediately make the habit easier to break. The stronger the reward, the stronger the habit. If the brain realizes that a behavior isn’t as rewarding as it thought, it will be less likely to want to do it. Remember, this isn’t an intellectual exercise. It’s not about trying to talk yourself out of doing something you enjoy. Rather, it’s about observing the reality of the situation, and how the behaviors feel. It’s about discovering that the enjoyment may have been illusory. Cultivate a compassionate mindset Focusing on our habit loops can be a very uncomfortable process. After all, we’ve spent years trying to numb ourselves against difficult feelings and distract ourselves from them. Now we’re giving them our full attention, and examining them under a microscope. It can be even more discouraging if you feel like you’re not making progress. After all, you can see clearly that your behaviors don’t have real rewards. So why do you keep indulging them? This impatience is natural, but it’s not helpful. After all, you may have had these habit loops for decades. You can’t expect them to disappear overnight. The key message is this: Cultivate a compassionate mindset. Many of us have become used to trying to change our behavior by criticizing ourselves harshly. This becomes a habit loop all on its own. More likely than not, the critical loop will be activated as you try to unlearn your habits. You’ll think to yourself, “I’m such a loser, I can’t change,” or “This is never going to work.” Unfortunately, these loops will actually serve to keep you stuck. You become trapped in a cycle of despair and self-flagellation that will keep you on autopilot survival mode. When you feel like that, it can be helpful to practice taking yourself less seriously. You could think something like “there goes my silly brain again.” Remember that your brain is just trying to help you. It’s seeking out dopamine rewards that temporarily cushion you from difficult feelings. Practice being compassionate toward yourself and the survival behaviors that you cultivated to try to get through stressful situations. And remember that failure is part of the process. In fact, it’s the greatest teacher of all. Researcher Carol Dweck has argued that some people have fixed mindsets – they believe their intelligence and talents are innate and finite. Other people have a growth mindset. They believe they can learn and grow as they go along. The latter crowd is much more resilient. They see mistakes as a chance to develop. When you’re unlearning habit loops, it’s essential to adopt a growth mindset, and see everything as an opportunity for development. Did you binge after weeks of healthy eating? Good – that’s a valuable reminder for your brain of how much better it felt to eat well. Are you feeling restless and frustrated with your old habits? Great – that shows how eager you are for change. Curiosity is your anxiety-busting superpower. Children famously have a stage in which they ask questions about everything they observe in the world. Why do cats have long tails? Why do their parents drink wine, but they can’t? They’re naturally curious about everything they see. But as adults, we start to restrict our curiosity to filling information gaps – like when we’re stuck in traffic and need to know how long it will take to clear. Seeking specific information that we’re missing is known as deprivation curiosity. Childlike curiosity about everything and anything is called interest-based curiosity. This is the kind we need to cultivate. The key message here is: Curiosity is your anxiety-busting superpower. Interest-based curiosity is the love of learning new things, without any particular goal in mind. It’s an expansive way of seeing the world that keeps you attentive to the details of what’s happening. It also helps you to remember new information. Experiments at the University of California–Davis have shown that when people are curious, the dopamine pathways in their brains fire up, activating the connection between the reward centers and the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain associated with memory. Cultivating your natural curiosity is an essential tool for breaking anxious habit loops. The next time you’re in a panicky state, try letting out a loud “Hmmmm” sound. That’s right – the sound you make when you’re interested in something and trying to work out what it is. Instantly, that act will propel you into a curious mindset, and make you ask questions like “What’s going on here?” It might also make you feel a little foolish, which is a good thing. Curiosity and playfulness go well together. Change – even positive change – can be very challenging. Remember, our survival systems love certainty. If you’ve been anxious your whole life, it probably felt cruddy – but at least you always knew what to expect. As you start to break old habits, your survival brain might become alarmed by this strange, new terrain. That's where curiosity comes in. Instead of giving in to the stress, use a curious mindset to simply observe how you’re feeling and track your bodily sensations. Curiosity feels good. Your brain will realize that curiosity is what’s known as a BBO, or a bigger, better offer. It’s much more rewarding than the anxious state you used to inhabit all the time. Practice anxiety sobriety one day at a time. Participants in Alcoholics Anonymous programs who want to get sober are taught to take it one day at a time. Instead of casting their minds forward to a lifetime of sobriety, they ask themselves, “Can I stay sober today?” Anxiety sobriety requires a similar approach. The future is full of uncertainty. Thinking about how to break your future anxious habit loops will only make you anxious right now. Instead, you need to ask yourself, “Can I do my mindfulness exercises and cultivate curiosity today? Or in the next hour?” Here’s the key message: Practice anxiety sobriety one day at a time. Whenever you do start to tense up, or wonder how you’ll survive even one day, remind yourself that you’ve developed important tools to help you break difficult habits. You should have faith in your own abilities and resilience. You may well come up against difficult feelings, or even panic attacks, but the way you deal with them has changed. The best way to deal with an anxiety loop in the moment is actually to lean into it. This process can be explained using the RAIN system. First, you recognize the difficult feelings that are arising. Next, you consciously accept them, and allow them to be there. Then you investigate the sensations in your body, and the emotions bubbling up. And lastly, you note what’s going on, and simply observe yourself in the process. RAIN uses your curiosity superpower to help your brain transition out of its anxious, panicky state. Breathing exercises are another great way to transition through anxious phases. Breathing helps you to stay focused on your body, instead of trying to think your way out of the situation. Breathing slowly and deeply makes us feel relaxed in the moment. It sends important messages to our brain that we’re actually safe and don’t need to be on high alert. Some days, you may feel as if you’ve made no progress at all, and think that you’ll be trapped in anxious thinking forever. But by now you’ve learned to recognize that despondency and self-criticism are just another survival mechanism. Every time your brain espouses a view starting with an extreme like “always” or “never,” that should tip you off. Instead of getting lost in the despondency cycle, you can bring in a bigger, better reward like curiosity, or kindness, or simply laughing at yourself. You don’t need to plan how to do that forever, or even for the whole day. Right now, in this moment, are you able to become curious about your feelings and sensations? Good. Your anxiety sobriety has begun. Summary: Consider reviewing these questions daily or throughout the week, or at a timeframe that works best for you. You don't have to do all of them all at once. They are meant as a means for reflection, growth and learning.
Daily Reflection I. Feeling's - Was i fearful, anxious, shamed or angry? II. Drivers of the feelings - What beliefs or thoughts did I have that may have contributed to these feelings? Was I disappointed? Did I have resentments or unrealistic expectations? Am I keeping secrets or being dishonest? Do I owe an apology or do I need to process an issue with someone? How drained was I emotionally, spiritually, physically or mentally? III. Inner child - Where was my kid activated and how? What were the circumstances? Which of my Core Emotional Triggers got activated (e.g. alone, abandoned, unheard, ignored, never enough, bored, blamed, criticized)? What were the precursors to him getting activated (people, places, things, events)? IV. Shortcomings / blindspots - what do I want to work on (e.g. selfishness, isolating, connecting, honesty, being present, empathy, emotional intelligence)? IV. Gratitudes - What am I grateful for? ( eg My sobriety, my health, my small wins today, the man I am becoming). Where did I receive gifts of grace? V. Prayer - Who / what do I want to pray for? (e.g. “God (higher power) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”. VI. Affirmations - “I am a good person working hard on recovery, doing good work and strengthening my emotion resilience and recovery tools. I recognize I am human and make mistakes, but I am leaning and growing in my ability to love myself, others and forgive.” VII. Surrender - What do I need to surrender from the day that I cannot change or control? VIII. Insights – what do I want to integrate? There seem to be a multitude of challenges in recovery for the family that add to the difficulties for recovery and marital and family healing. A notable paradox is the family is incredibly invested in the individuals healthy and healing, but they want to keep it a secret, often even within the family, which contributes to addictions becoming a generational disease (or perpetuating one).
Also, even though they are the victims, family members (especially spouses) wonder what did they do wrong, why weren’t they enough, why couldn’t the addict come to them? And yet, the compulsive behaviors in predominant cases have little to do with family and are most often driven by unresolved childhood wounds, the addict’s inability to sit in emotional discomfort, almost complete lack of childhood emotional development that leads to an inability to connect and place the emotions of the betrayed partner before their own ("Going Deeper", Dr. Eddie Capparucci). What is also confounding is that shame is a significant contributor to the development of the addiction (“Healing the Shame that Binds You”, Bradshaw), and the seeming unstoppable need for escape and medication through the unhealthy behaviors result in even more shame. Thus, creating a reinforcing dynamic of shame begets shame, adding to the difficulty of breaking the hold the behavior has on the addict. Another common dilemma is the addict is their selfishness recovery putting their recovery in front of everything and everyone. Going to meetings, working on the 12 steps, counseling, fellowship, supporting others all take time away from a family that has been devastated by the revelations and addicts’ behaviors. After monumentally painful revelations about the addictive behavior the family is asked to be patient, supportive and compassionate as they sift through a great deal of their own remorse and healing. The unhealthy and destructive behaviors are easy to see (eating, drinking, sexing, drugging, gambling, gaming, social media), and for many easy to suggest “just stop it”. Yet the underlying cocktail of chemical, neurological and emotional distress (that are the root of the problem) are infinitely complex, difficult to explain in simple laymen’s terms, and are impossible to see. So, the effort is often put into stopping the behaviors and (spouses especially) watching for telltale signs of relapse instead of focusing on the core issues described above. One last challenging dynamic is that addicts develop a dual persona. They have such a profound need to be seen as ‘a good person’ due to self-loathing they create a very positive loving, giving outward persona to mask the underlying adonizing pain they are shackles them. Loved ones and friends are often incredibly shocked by the revelations, “He is such an amazing guy, that’s so hard to believe”, is often the comment. This is not meant to give the addict a pass on their behaviors. At the end of the day, the addict is responsible for their adult behaviors and choices. But it hopefully adds some light into the darkness of the complexity and pain and inherent complexities when dealing with your family members who are trying to climb out of the pit of despair. Emotional Maturity
Those of us who develop unhealthy coping habits do so in part because of our lack of emotional maturity. We missed the developmental parenting required to build humility, vulnerability, honesty, openness, fairness, sincerity, and several other qualities. Here is an explanation of what it is and what it isn’t. What it is and is not Maturity means that a person, animal, or plant has reached their final stage of growth. Someone who hasn’t reached that stage is immature. That’s easy to understand when it comes to physical development, but what does it mean to be emotionally immature? The American Psychological Association defines emotional maturity as “a high and appropriate level of emotional control and expression.” Emotional immaturity, on the other hand, is “a tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation.”. In other words, emotional behavior that is out of control or not appropriate to the situation can be considered immature. It’s more like the emotional reactions you might expect to see from a child than from an adult. Signs of Emotional Immaturity People who are emotionally immature don’t meet society's expectations for social behavior within their age range. It’s safe to assume that a grown-up will be able to consider their impact on others and pay attention to their feelings. Emotionally mature people can accept criticism and learn from it. Adults with emotional maturity can think about and plan for the future as well. People with emotional immaturity, however, struggle with these things. People who are emotionally mature share these characteristics, they:
Emotionally immature people lack certain emotional and social skills and have trouble relating to other adults. Some behaviors can be a signal that you’re dealing with an emotionally immature person: Impulsive behavior. Children are often impulsive. They speak out of turn or touch things that they shouldn’t touch. They say things without thinking about how they’ll affect other people. Over time, people learn not to do those things. Emotionally immature adults haven’t learned to curb their impulses. They act in unpredictable or antisocial ways. Demanding attention. Young children get bored when people don’t pay attention to them. They’ll do things to draw the focus back to themselves, even if that means acting out in negative ways. Emotionally immature adults often do the same. They might not act out in negative ways, but they may inject themselves into conversations or crack inappropriate jokes to get everyone’s attention. Name-calling and bullying. In general, adults don’t resort to schoolyard tactics when they relate to other adults. You seldom see two adults calling each other mean names. Someone who behaves like a mean kid in school is not using mature emotional tactics. Instead, they are relying on childlike displays of temper. Avoidance. Emotionally immature people may not have a good sense of the future or how to plan for it. Refusing to take on significant responsibilities like committed relationships, careers, or investments like homeownership are signs of avoiding responsibility. People like this might let others take care of them way beyond the point that they should be self-sufficient. This is sometimes called Peter Pan syndrome, after the fictional character who never wanted to grow up. Narcissism. An essential facet of maturity is the ability to think about other people’s needs and feelings. Immature people only appear to care about themselves. They dislike compromise and don’t want to take other people’s ideas into account. They always want to have their own way. Source: Psychology Today "I feel so completely ignored, attacked, criticized, lonely, abandoned and am hurting I need to find relief or I am going to lose it!". This is a common message we can get that will lead us to a level of desperation we can't seem to ignore it or make it go away other than through watching pornography or some other unhealthy and unwanted sexual behavior. This is what is a common feeling when dealing with a core emotional trigger. In his book Going Deeper, Dr Capparucci lays out two techniques to combat and arrest these overwhelming feelings. First and foremost be aware of your own levels of distress. Throughout the day check in to see if you are emotionally (angry, stressed, frustrated), mentally (financial or work distress), spiritually (not in study, fellowship or the word), or physical (tired, feeling over weight, ache and pains, health issues). Any of these can be an early warning sign. Learn to check in, journal, talk others daily about life's stressors. The second aspect is building emotional resilience when core emotional triggers arise, the following illustrates the recommended steps.
In his book 'Going Deeper', Dr Capparucci describes core emotional triggers which are those emotional sensations, urges or pain points that cause the greatest amount of discomfort. A few examples are feelings of being ignored, lonely, abandoned, unheard, dismissed, criticized, unworthy. They create such inner turmoil that you feel like your insides are going to explode and can be the tipping point(s) for escaping to unhealthy and destructive behaviors like porn, alcohol or drugs.
Each individual adopts different ways to cope, and these emotions are a key part of turning away from the urges and towards a healthy thought, activity or behavior. Going Deeper describes an approach of how to begin to uncover these triggers. First complete this survey of possible triggers, then identify those that you scored highest. Begin to journal about those feelings you rated highest; where they show up most often, who or what are the activators (e.g. 'I feel so invisible at work', 'I feel completely unseen by my spouse', 'my parents make me feel so belittled'). The next step is to explore the profile of your inner child. Dr Capparucci has developed a profile of 9 little boys that are the most common. Review the list below and see which are most familiar. Journal about your thoughts and possibly come up with your own. Bored Child
Un-affirmed child
Unnoticed child
Emotionally voided child
Lack of control child
Entitled child
Sexually stimulated or abused child
Weak inferior child
Stressed child
Religiously abused an confused
The next step is to begin to learn how to manage the triggers as they arise in daily life. There is no getting away from stress, distress, emotional pain and discomfort in our fallen world, and these steps will help you address those most troubling issues when they arise. Click here for the discussion on the six steps to managing your core emotional triggers. It is especially important for men who have fallen into the trap of problematic sexual behavior, intimacy disorders and pornography addiction to understand many new things in life that they never learned as a child. Due to early childhood abuse and neglect from family, friends, church or school the adult finds ways to soothe the unresolved pain that is activated by life's struggles.
Dr Eddie Capparuucci book "Going Deeper" chronicles his work with hundreds of addicts and answers the question everyone who falls into the unhealthy destructive behavior: 'why'. His book outlines a series of steps that describes the connection to early childhood trauma, how this trauma manifests itself in our inner child that remains present throughout our life and to become familiar with how our 'inner child's' core emotional triggers influence our adult behavior. The steps outlined in the book are 1) Childhood wounds - reveal and discuss the negative and traumatic events from childhood (e.g. neglect, abuse, modeling, access, death), 2) Core Emotional triggers - identify the core emotional triggers (use this survey to help) which are a specific set that are the most potent that tend to cause the greatest discomfort, 3) Inner Child profile - craft a profile of your inner child (Going Deeper describes the nine most common) to gain a deeper understanding of your kid and why he mis-behaves, 4) Find the patterns - connect the past to the present by learning mindfulness techniques to recognize when your kid is being triggered today, 5) Notice - manage your core emotional triggers (click here for that process), and 6) practice these techniques and integrate the insights and lessons into your life. Past work has focused primarily on arresting the behavior, Dr Capparucci's work answers a question for both those committed to recovery as well as the spouse. . Though stopping the behavior in the short term is critically important, the true freedom comes through continually investigating the root cause, learning to understand learn how to soothe your special unique inner child. The book then goes one step further and identifies the key ingredients for becoming intimately familiar with your inner child, and how to help him though the struggles of life. |
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