Helping her to safety

Betrayal trauma deeply affects a spouse, manifesting in emotional turmoil, haunting images, heightened alertness, sleep disturbances, anxiety, diminished self-worth, and doubts about their identity as a woman. Many men struggle to grasp the profound emotional distress even seemingly minor indiscretions can cause. Statements like, "I only watch porn occasionally," reveal a significant disconnect in understanding a woman's emotional and psychological landscape. This trauma inflicts an almost ineffable pain, and healing becomes a profoundly personal quest that demands immense love, grace, and forgiveness. While the path to recovery is intricate and extended, healing is attainable. There are ways, as discussed below, to alleviate some of the pain. Key to this process is patience, empathy, and a genuine commitment to prioritizing the affected partner's needs over one's own feelings of guilt or shame.​

These ideas / suggestions for consideration may not work for everyone, they are a compilation of the most often suggested approaches to help your wife/partner work through her trauma and betrayal.  Keep in the foreground that for quite a long time (years likely) she will feel unsafe, be hypervigilant questioning everything and be unable to trust and the smallest things in life can trigger an outburst from her trauma.  She won’t be herself in these moments, and more than anything she needs a stable foundation.  It is always advisable to work directly with a professional counselor / coach trained in betrayal trauma, porn addiction or problematic sexual disorders.  You can find many competent resources at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us.   

• Acknowledge and accept responsibility - The recurring betrayals have deeply wounded her, sometimes in ways that words can't capture. Her self-worth and femininity may come under scrutiny, and many women, unfortunately, turn the blame inward.  The betrayals are a consequence of the addicts’ unprocessed childhood wounds, their inability to sit in distressing emotions (their own or their spouse), an inability to seek help or learn how to cope with troubling circumstances and employing lying, hiding and escaping for their own relief.  None of the unhealthy behaviors are the fault of the betrayed, they didn’t deserve it and were the recipient of years of deceit, manipulation and gaslighting.  The appropriate posture is “this was my doing, none of it has to do with you, I take full responsibility for my actions and will do whatever it takes to help you come to safety and to be the man of integrity you deserve.”
  
  
  
• Practice Empathy - Prioritize her feelings. It's not unusual for someone who's betrayed another to be consumed by their own guilt or shame, often shifting conversations to focus on their own remorse. For example, instead of saying "I can't believe I did this" direct the conversation towards her feelings. Truly listen and understand her emotions. Instead of making it about your feelings, try, "When you’re experiencing such pain and anguish, it reminds me of the hurt I've caused and I hate that my past behaviors cause you”, or “You don’t deserve any of this: the pain, the feeling lost, the deep sense of betrayal.  I deeply regret my actions and will do whatever I can to help restore your sense of safety”.  You may often hear “you just don’t know how to connect with my pain”.  Don’t give up.  When things calm down, ask her or others in your fellowship for advice.  It is a difficult learning process but well worth the effort, and will create lasting connections. 
  
  
  
• Cultivate Humility - Be aware that even minor things, a date on the calendar, or even a particular shade of color, can bring back the distressing memories of the day she discovered the betrayal. In these moments, avoid being defensive or trying to justify your actions.  It's more helpful to acknowledge her pain and remain silent or offer support. Your defensiveness could amplify her feelings of insecurity and distrust.  Don’t defend, argue, minimize, justify, or explain.  Whatever you do, don’t run because that is one of the symptoms of the past unhealthy behavior and it will make matters worse.  If the discussions get too heated, say you need a short timeout, but you are not leaving.  Reassure her that you are staying.  During a trigger the thought of being abandoned is overwhelming for her.
  
  
  
• Be open and honest - no secrets, be honest regardless of the emotional cost.  Honesty above all else is what spouses want.  They can eventually get over the behaviors, but they can’t stay with someone who can’t develop sufficient integrity to be honest.  Being open might invite more anger and many more questions.  Don’t deflect or say things like “I’ve told you this many times!”.  She is looking for consistency and won’t respond well to this type of defensiveness during a trigger. 
  
  
  
• Be an adult!  (from ‘Changes that heal’, Henry Cloud) - Sorry, this may sound berating, but it is an important aspect of helping her to safety.  Much of what we have done is act out of our inner child: being needy, asking for pity, running to porn or sex or alcohol for a relief.  Dr. Cloud emphasizes the importance of recognizing and embracing your emotions. He suggests that understanding your feelings and learning how to express them in healthy ways is a crucial step toward emotional maturity. Developing healthy boundaries is essential for personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships. Dr. Cloud encourages readers to establish clear boundaries in their relationships to protect themselves from emotional harm.  Develop a mutual respect with others.  Forgiving those who have hurt you is a key element of healing and personal growth. Let go of resentment and bitterness, as these emotions can hinder personal development.  Change is a natural part of life, and Dr. Cloud encourages readers to embrace it rather than resist it. He emphasizes the need to adapt to life's transitions and challenges as a way to grow and evolve.  Don’t argue about your intentions, demonstrate change in persistent behaviors over time.  Don’t let the inner child take over the discussion (seeking pity, whining, running).  Lastly, show her how important she is to you as your wife - set up a special date night, leave a flower on the pillow, leave a note on the mirror, do house chores proactively that you usually don’t do (make the bed, do the dishes, clean the house, clean her car).
  
  
  
• Be forthcoming, consistent, and confident - consistently missing texts, not returning phone calls, not showing up on time, not sharing your plans or your location, not being forthcoming about mid-circle issues are all flashing red signs for your spouse/partner.  Stay vigilant (even hypervigilant) in communicating where you are, what you are doing, what time you will be home and make sure you stick to your commitments.  Be clear and confident in responses, fight the urge to cower and run when guilt and shame wash over you.  It’s ok to stand up for yourself and speak to your spouse as one adult to another if you are sharing your feelings and needs in a healthy manner without getting big.
  

• Communicating needs - at some point in time there will be a period of stabilization when you can begin to make requests during recovery. In the beginning it is important to put your needs aside and use a fellowship for support instead of your betrayed spouse.  She doesn’t have the capacity to hear what you need in the early going.  Her brain and emotions are on fire.  When you feel she is at a place of stability and you want to have a constructive conversation, start with something simple and maybe not recovery related.  Express your feelings (I am worried about the kids' grades), state a need (It would be helpful to talk about how we can help them with school), make a request (could we sit down tonight and discuss some ideas).  Do your best to separate feelings, needs and requests and don’t make the requests demands. 
  
  
  
• It’s not her heart: Know your own core emotional triggers (see “Going Deeper, Dr Eddie Capparucci”), and understand that there will be moments when you feel berated, criticized, unfairly blamed, shamed and more.  This is coming from her trauma, not her heart!  Trauma responses can take her into a very dark place, and she will say things that she doesn’t mean.  They may be completely outside the range of normal for her.  She is in a traumatic moment, and her emotional state is like when she first discovered the incident(s) of betrayal.  Sit with her, don’t get big and argue or defend.  Say something like “it seems like you are in real pain.  Notes: you may not be the only person to have caused trauma or wounds in her life.  It is not helpful to point this out, it feels like deflecting responsibility and will be very triggering.  Also, remember 90% of her anger is coming from past hurts when she is triggered, and there will be frequent rehashing of the past pains.  Try not to argue about her repeated criticisms.  Her brain is in trauma response, and she is reliving what happened.  Do your best to sit and listen and let it go.
  
  
  
• Be present and proactive - do whatever you can to slow down your reactions and responses.  If she is attacking, pause and reflect and try to stay present, if she says something that feels critical or untrue, give her grace.  Don’t fight over the small things.  John Gottman says that most couples fight about “absolutely nothing”, and he has studied them for 40 years.  Prepare for the day.  Be prepared.  If you are going to the beach or traveling alone, have a plan and communicate it to her.  If you are going to watch a movie, check out the ratings in commonsensemedia or IMDB and see if there are any inappropriate scenes.  Let her know what you watched and if anything came up.  
  

• Turn to God - pray for her healing, for the trigger to pass, for your own strength in the moment, for wisdom and discernment and to be able to stay present through the storm(s) of life with Her.  If she is open to it, pray together - ask the Lord to forgive you for any missteps in the midst of the storm.  Pray to be reminded that He is always with both of you, and He will never forsake you.  Pray for grace and forgiveness.  Remind yourself that God doesn’t make junk, and that no matter the sin or transgressions, He forgives and redeems us.    
  
  
  
• Avoid succumbing to shame – it's a common response for men who continually confront their betrayal to become ensnared in shame and prioritize their own suffering over their spouse and others. Betrayal is indeed a source of shame, but it doesn't mean you must endure a lifetime shrouded in it. The path to healing involves consistency in adopting new behaviors, cultivating healthier qualities, and embracing honesty and openness, without the need for self-flagellation. Even when faced with hurtful comments, your spouse relies on your presence and support. Always remember, it's not her heart burdened by this.
  
  
  
• Invest in you - do whatever it takes to process the past (trauma, wounds, neglect), to understand the impact your past has had on your current behaviors and find the appropriate resources (counselors, coaches, workshops, groups, mentors) to help you to heal and become the man God has called you to be and that your spouse and family deserve. 
  

 
Remember, there is a little girl inside your wife who needs safety, protection, reassurance, strength, and honesty.  This season of repair will require consistent and persistent effort to help her feel safe.  No one is perfect, and during what feels like terrible emotional attacks, remember that she is in unspeakable pain, and her words are not coming from her heart.  It will pass.  Lean on your faith and others to process the experiences when necessary.  
 
Note: these are suggestions for consideration, they are not meant to be prescriptive or in any way to replace working through each of these suggestions for consideration with a trained professional.