HOw did i get here?

At some point, many individuals—and the families who love them—find themselves asking, “How did this happen? How did I get here?” Addiction doesn’t begin with a single choice or sudden collapse. It is often a slow unraveling, shaped by years of emotional pain, unmet needs, and hidden wounds. The journey into addiction is rarely about the substance or behavior itself. It is about attempts to soothe what hurts inside—to find relief from chronic internal distress, to fill the void left by early relational and developmental deficits, and to quiet the relentless ache for connection and meaning.  
This does not absolve the addict of their responsibility as an adult. The consequences of unhealthy behaviors, obsessions, and addictions can be devastating—leading to profound family harm and long-term emotional fallout. It is the addict’s responsibility to confront the underlying issues, develop emotional regulation skills, and commit to abstaining from the temporary escapes that perpetuate the cycle of pain.
For many, the roots of addiction reach back to childhood. These formative years shape the nervous system, belief systems, and emotional responses. When a child grows up in an environment lacking safety, consistency, or emotional attunement—whether due to neglect, abuse, abandonment, or emotionally unavailable caregivers—something vital is disrupted. Instead of learning to regulate emotions in the context of loving relationships, the child learns to hide, suppress, or survive. These unmet needs can leave behind what some therapists call the “wounded self” or the “inner child”—a vulnerable internal part that still carries fear, shame, confusion, and longing.
Authors like John Bradshaw, in Homecoming, and Dr. Eddie Capparucci, in Going Deeper, describe how this inner child becomes the emotional epicenter of many adult struggles, especially in the realm of addiction and compulsive behavior. Bradshaw explains how reclaiming the inner child is essential to recovering one’s true self and developing emotional maturity. Capparucci deepens this understanding by exploring how unresolved childhood trauma and unmet attachment needs often drive addictive patterns—particularly in the area of sexual behavior. Both authors point to the necessity of not only identifying and understanding this inner child, but also learning to re-parent it with compassion, boundaries, and emotional care.
When this wounded part goes unacknowledged and unhealed, it begins to carry more and more emotional weight. This baggage accumulates over time—trauma, grief, distorted self-beliefs like “I’m not enough,” “I’m bad,” “I don’t deserve love.” These beliefs don’t just live in the mind; they imprint themselves in the body and in emotional reactivity. As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, the nervous system remembers what the conscious mind may try to forget. Over time, the person may begin to feel a gnawing sense of anxiety, depression, or emotional disconnection—a restless ache that is hard to articulate and even harder to soothe.
In the search for relief, many turn to substances or compulsive behaviors—alcohol, drugs, pornography, food, gambling, shopping, or endless digital scrolling. These behaviors provide momentary calm by stimulating the brain’s reward systems and numbing emotional pain. At first, they seem like solutions—ways to feel good, or at least to feel less. But gradually, they become prisons. They create secrecy, shame, and alienation from others and from oneself. Coping becomes hiding. Relief becomes regret. The inner child becomes more buried, the wounded self more isolated.
The more pain a person carries, the more they rely on these survival strategies. And tragically, the very behaviors meant to soothe end up reinforcing the original pain. The cycle deepens: inner wounds lead to addictive behavior, which leads to more shame, secrecy, and emotional disconnection. These patterns are not signs of moral failure—they are learned responses to unresolved emotional distress. As Dr. Gabor Maté insightfully states, “The question is not ‘Why the addiction?’ but ‘Why the pain?’”
Recovery begins not with willpower alone, but with understanding. True healing involves looking beneath the behavior to uncover the story—naming the wounds, grieving the losses, challenging the false beliefs, and developing new ways to feel and connect. It means listening to the inner child rather than silencing them. It means allowing the wounded self to be seen, held, and slowly restored.
C.S. Lewis captures this inner battle beautifully in The Great Divorce. In one of the book’s most memorable scenes, a man is accompanied by a small red lizard perched on his shoulder, constantly whispering temptations into his ear. The lizard represents lust—a destructive, enslaving desire. The man encounters a Bright Spirit, a radiant angelic being, who offers to kill the lizard. The man hesitates, fearing that destroying the lizard will destroy him as well. But the angel assures him that it won’t. After a painful struggle, the man consents. The angel kills the lizard, and instead of perishing, the man is transformed—made solid and glorious—and the lizard is resurrected as a magnificent stallion. The man mounts the horse and rides joyfully into the mountains, a symbol of spiritual liberation and restoration.
Addiction is like that lizard—always whispering, always steering us toward consumption, secrecy, and despair. And like the man in Lewis’s story, the addict often fears that giving up the addiction will mean losing a part of themselves. But real transformation happens when we allow that destructive voice to be silenced—when we trust that the false self can die so that the true self can live.
Two truths lie at the heart of that story—and of every recovery journey. First, we all carry an inner voice that reflects our deepest emotional needs and wounds. Whether we call it the inner child, the wounded self, or the psyche, this part of us needs compassion, not condemnation. As Bradshaw and Capparucci both affirm, healing happens when we begin to listen to and care for that inner child with tenderness and truth. Second, we cannot do this alone. Just as the man needed the intervention of the angel, so too do we need the help of others. Healing requires surrender to something greater than ourselves—a higher power, God, or spiritual source of love and truth. And it requires fellowship: people who see us, support us, and walk beside us without judgment.
We may have gotten into this on our own, but we will only get out by turning toward God and toward others in recovery. This journey is not about fixing what is broken. It is about reclaiming what was lost—and discovering that freedom, connection, and peace are not only possible, but already waiting.





References

• Bradshaw, J. (1990). Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. Bantam.
  
• Capparucci, E. (2019). Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction – The Road to Recovery Goes Through Your Childhood. HFH Consulting.
  
• Lewis, C. S. (1945). The Great Divorce. Geoffrey Bles.
  
• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
  
• Maté, G. (2009). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books.
  
• Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., et al. (1998). Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.
  
• National Institute on Drug Abuse. (2018). Genetics and Epigenetics of Addiction. https://nida.nih.gov