Recovery—whether from addiction, trauma, codependency, or childhood neglect—is ultimately about coming home to ourselves. It's about restoring our ability to feel, to trust, to protect, and to connect. One of the most important (and often most challenging) aspects of this healing journey is learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries—both with ourselves and with others.
For many people in recovery, the concept of boundaries can feel confusing or even threatening at first. Maybe we grew up in environments where boundaries were blurred or nonexistent. Perhaps we learned that saying “no” wasn’t safe, that we had to earn love through compliance, or that expressing our needs would lead to punishment, guilt, or abandonment. Over time, those survival strategies became habits, and the idea of asserting limits can now feel selfish, mean, or even dangerous.
But here’s the truth: Boundaries are not walls. They are bridges to authentic connection. They are how we teach others how to treat us, and how we honor our own emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In recovery, setting boundaries is not only a skill—it’s an act of self-respect, self-protection, and self-trust.
So how do we begin? Here are some of the most effective tools for setting boundaries while healing:
1. Start with Internal Boundaries: Not Every Thought Requires Action Before we can set clear boundaries with others, we have to get good at noticing what’s happening within ourselves. Internal boundaries help us manage our emotional reactions, impulses, and expectations.
One helpful tool is the “PAUSE” practice—when you notice a rising urge to react, give, fix, rescue, or defend, pause. Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What does my body need?
• Is this mine to carry or fix?
• What boundary might protect my peace in this moment?

Often, pausing gives us just enough space to make a conscious choice instead of a conditioned one.
2. Use Clear, Kind Communication: Say What You Mean Without Shame or Aggression Many of us were never taught how to express our boundaries clearly. We either go silent and suppress (leading to resentment), or we explode after too much buildup (leading to guilt). Recovery invites us to communicate with clarity and compassion.
Try this simple structure:
“I feel [emotion] when [situation], and I need [boundary].”
Example: “I feel overwhelmed when I get multiple texts while I’m working. I need to keep my phone off until I’m done and will respond when I’m available.”
You don’t need to over-explain or justify your needs. Direct, respectful language is enough.
3. Honor the ‘No’—Yours and Theirs Saying “no” is a birthright, not a betrayal. When we learn to say no without guilt, we teach others that we value our time, energy, and emotional capacity. Likewise, learning to receive someone else’s “no” without trying to change their mind builds mutual respect.
A powerful mindset shift: A “no” to others is often a “yes” to yourself.
If you struggle to say no, practice gentle phrases like:

• “That doesn’t work for me right now.”
• “I’m not available for that, but thank you for thinking of me.”
• “I need to sit with that before giving an answer.”

Even a pause is a boundary.
4. Know Your Non-Negotiables As you recover, it’s vital to get clear on your personal values and bottom lines—what you will and won’t tolerate in relationships. This is your foundation. Write down your non-negotiables: things like honesty, respect, emotional safety, or sober spaces.
When a relationship consistently violates your bottom lines, it may be time to create distance or reassess its place in your life. This doesn’t mean you’re abandoning people—it means you’re choosing not to abandon yourself.
5. Use Somatic Cues as Guides Boundaries aren’t just intellectual—they’re felt in the body. That tightening in your chest, the pit in your stomach, the urge to flee, the sense of contraction around certain people or conversations—these are your nervous system’s ways of saying, “Something doesn’t feel safe.”
Learning to trust these cues, rather than override them, is a powerful step in boundary-setting. Use grounding tools like breathwork, movement, or placing a hand on your heart or belly to reconnect to what’s true for you in the moment.
6. Expect Discomfort (and Don’t Let It Stop You) Boundaries, especially in early recovery, can feel deeply uncomfortable. Guilt, fear, or anxiety often show up when we begin asserting ourselves. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re growing.
Remember: discomfort is not danger. When we’re healing, unfamiliar patterns often feel wrong simply because they’re new. Be gentle with yourself, and lean into the support of a trusted community, therapist, or fellowship as you learn to hold your ground.
7. Debrief and Repair Boundary-setting is a learning process. You won’t always get it right. You might say too much, say too little, react impulsively, or shut down. That’s okay. What matters is your willingness to reflect and, if needed, make a repair.
Ask yourself:

• What worked in that interaction?
• What didn’t feel aligned with my values or goals?
• What might I try differently next time?

Boundaries aren’t rigid—they’re living practices that get clearer with time and self-awareness.
Healing Through Boundaries
The more we honor our boundaries, the more we build trust with ourselves. We begin to feel safer in our bodies, clearer in our relationships, and more connected to who we truly are. And in that space, recovery deepens—not just as a process of letting go of what no longer serves, but of becoming who we were always meant to be.
You are worthy of space.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to protect your peace, your energy, your heart.
And you don’t have to do it perfectly—just courageously, one step at a time.

Summer of Marshall Rosenberg's Method of Communications

Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a transformative approach to interpersonal communication that fosters understanding, connection, and conflict resolution. Rooted in principles of compassion and nonviolence, NVC is designed to help individuals express themselves authentically while deeply listening to others without judgment or blame. Rosenberg developed NVC as a response to the habitual patterns of communication that often lead to misunderstanding, resentment, and aggression. By focusing on core human needs and feelings, NVC promotes empathy and encourages cooperative problem-solving.
The NVC framework consists of four key components: Observation, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. The first step, Observation, involves describing a situation objectively without attaching interpretations or evaluations. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” one might say, “When I spoke earlier, I noticed that you looked at your phone.” This clarity prevents defensiveness and fosters mutual understanding.
The second component, Feelings, encourages individuals to express their emotions rather than attributing blame. Instead of saying, “You make me so angry,” one could state, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard.” This shift in language allows for honest emotional expression without triggering defensiveness in the listener.
The third component, Needs, highlights the fundamental human needs behind emotions. Every feeling arises from either a met or unmet need. For instance, frustration over not feeling heard could stem from a need for acknowledgment or connection. By identifying and articulating these needs, individuals gain clarity about their own inner world while making it easier for others to empathize with them.
The final component, Requests, involves making clear, doable, and positive action requests rather than demands. A request should be specific and actionable, such as, “Could you put your phone away while we talk?” instead of a vague statement like, “I wish you would listen to me more.” By framing communication in this way, people invite cooperation rather than coercion.
A key aspect of NVC is the practice of empathetic listening, which involves tuning into the other person’s feelings and needs without judgment or an agenda to fix or argue. This means reflecting on what the other person might be experiencing and demonstrating understanding. For example, if someone is upset, rather than defending oneself, an NVC practitioner might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling hurt because you need more consideration.” Such an approach de-escalates tension and builds trust.
Examples of Applying NVC in Different Situations:

1. Workplace Conflict: If a colleague submits a project late, instead of saying, “You’re always late with your work,” an NVC approach would be: “I noticed that the report was submitted after the deadline. I feel concerned because I need reliability in meeting deadlines. Could we discuss a way to ensure timely submissions?”
   
2. Parenting: Instead of saying, “You never clean up your toys,” a parent could say, “I see that your toys are still on the floor. I feel overwhelmed because I need a tidy space. Could you please put them away before dinner?”
   
3. Romantic Relationships: Instead of, “You don’t care about me,” one could say, “When you didn’t call me today, I felt sad because I need reassurance in our connection. Could we talk about how we can stay more connected?”
   
4. Friendship Issues: If a friend frequently cancels plans, instead of saying, “You’re so unreliable,” an NVC approach would be: “I noticed that our last three plans were canceled. I feel disappointed because I value dependability in friendships. Could we find a way to make plans that work better for both of us?”
   
5. Community Engagement: If addressing a community issue, instead of, “You never listen to our concerns,” an NVC approach would be: “When community feedback isn’t included in decisions, I feel frustrated because I need inclusivity. Could we have a process where all voices are considered?”
   

NVC is widely used in various fields, including conflict resolution, education, therapy, and personal relationships. It empowers individuals to communicate with greater clarity and compassion, ultimately fostering deeper connections and reducing conflicts. Rosenberg emphasized that NVC is not just a communication technique but a way of life that nurtures kindness, collaboration, and emotional intelligence. By practicing NVC, individuals can create environments where people feel heard, valued, and respected, leading to more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.