Stop Escaping

Over 60% of Americans surveyed avoid conflict in one way or another.  Those with troubled childhoods do this to the extreme by escaping and medicating with drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, food and gambling to name a few which detracts from our capacity of emotional resilience to deal with conflict, set healthy boundaries and find joy..

The approach outlined below is a path to help those who are in bondage to a cycle of escaping towards a greater level of emotional resilience and ability to navigate the turbulence of life.  

How we got here
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There are many behavioral and neurological tentacles that are born out of addictive and obsessive behaviors requiring a lot of change in many aspects of life.  One important element in the beginning phases of this journey is to have a "growth" mindset.  Be open, recognized there will be stumbles, that you are human and apt to make mistakes.  Be committed to learning, growth and persistence.  

• Environment
• Pivotal Moments
• Emotional Imprints
• Corrosive Coping

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There are varying degrees of healthy and unhealthy families.  Some have been successful at marriage, careers, raising children, managing finances, dealing with conflict, with parents who were good role models and grand parents, aunts, uncles, clergy and family friends who were in general healthy emotional allies.  

Then there are families that were broken through divorce, conflict, abuse, addictions, rage, inability to deal with emotions or other forms of general chaos.  And of course there are families that have both good and dysfunctional traits with some healthy set members of the older generation.

The unhealthy family members have the ability (and often do) create memorable events that stay with us throughout life, they are keystones in our memories.  We refer to as pivotal moments, as they can have an affect on our beliefs, ability to cope and our behaviors.  ​

Broken families - that do not have the tools to deal with conflict, have kept secrets and who are infected with addictions and unhealthy coping. 



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Pivotal moments - in life there are many defining moments (pivotal), some of our own making some inherited moments that leave an indelible mark.  They include abuse (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual), abandonment, neglect and loss (death, divorce)..  We didn’t want or deserve divorced or abusive or neglectful parents but that's what we got.  They didn't mean to be this way, they were the victims at one point as well.

Examples include:

• Physical, sexual, spiritual or mental abuse
• Neglect abandonment
• Bullying, name calling​
• Enmeshment

What were the most impactful moments in your childhood?

​Pivotal moments leave scars, wounds, negative self image and belief's and when they are not addressed they remain throughout adult life.  Just some of the impacts that occur include: negative beliefs about ourselves, messages that its ok to drink excessively or watch pornography, or lie, an hide secrets.  

There are also deeper imprints of toxic shame, issues trusting others, fear, post traumatic stress, anxiety and depression.  These imprints from childhood become familiar so we seek them out in adult relationships.  If we were bullied when we were kids, we find friends our spouses who bully us.  ​

Due to the unresolved childhood pain, and the lack of skills and resilience at dealing with life, two types of corrosive coping occur: 1. an inability to maintain healthy relationships, 2. excessive medicating with alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, food, shopping etc..

Each are destructive in their own way, each creates a chasm between couples, as well as the addict and their family and friends. 

The behaviors typically start at a very early age, modeling parents drinking or stealing dad's porn, which leads to the destructive character traits of lying, hiding, stealing and secrets.  ​

The pivot

• Awakening
• Amends
• Your inner child
• Core Triggers

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You may have just woke up from a hangover, a d-day discovery by your spouse or partner, or you have just decided that you cannot live like this any more.  This is often referred to as a "bottom".  There are three major questions that are important to answer when you hit this stage:

I. I'm done - Are you completely done with using porn, sex, alcohol, food, gaming, gambling or shopping to find relief to emotional pain and life's disturbances.  Many have said "I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was sad, I drank when I was mad."  Consistently escaping, isolating and medicating when life gets tough are the evidence that a) you do not currently have the knowledge, resilience to take on life. 

II. I will do whatever it takes - it may require treatment, and will likely require a change of every part of your life: friends, places, and activities.  You may find yourself in a yoga or knitting or painting class to help build a foundation for emotional balance.  These may seem awkward, as well as meditating, breathing and sharing your emotions.  

III.  Changing the internal script - much of what we experienced in childhood created a whole script of beliefs that are lies: "I'm bad, unworthy, unloveable, or can't cope".  None of these are the truth.  Everyone falters, everyone sins, no one goes through life completely unscathed.  Imagine walking into a church and everyone has a bubble above their heads that list the sins of their past.  You are not alone in making mistakes in this life.      ​​​

Making amends to those you have harmed is a crucial step in repairing relationships and personal growth. Below are the ‘do’s of making amends’.  The don’ts include making excuses, blaming others, becoming defensive, wallowing in your own shame while trying to make amends.  In general, the idea is to make it about the act and the pain it caused the other person without bringing all your own baggage into the discussion.  

Here are some best practices based on research:

1. Acknowledge the Harm - Acknowledging the harm caused is the first step in making amends. Studies show that genuine acknowledgment helps to rebuild trust and lays the foundation for reconciliation.  Clearly and specifically state what you did wrong. Avoid minimizing or justifying your actions. This demonstrates that you fully understand the impact of your behavior.

2. Take Responsibility - Taking responsibility for your actions is linked to positive outcomes in conflict resolution. This includes owning up to your mistakes without blaming others or external circumstances.  Use “I” statements (e.g., “I was wrong” or “I hurt you by…”) to take full responsibility for your actions. This shows maturity and sincerity.

3. Express Genuine Remorse - Expressing genuine remorse helps to convey that you understand the emotional impact of your actions. Research in emotional psychology highlights the importance of showing empathy and regret for the hurt caused.  Apologize sincerely, focusing on the feelings of the person harmed. Avoid vague or conditional apologies (e.g., “I’m sorry if you were hurt”).

4. Offer Restitution or Make Reparations - Offering restitution—compensating for the harm in some way—is often necessary to rebuild trust. Behavioral studies suggest that concrete actions can sometimes speak louder than words. Ask the person harmed what you can do to make things right. This could involve financial compensation, correcting a wrong, or offering support in a meaningful way.

5. Listen and Validate Their Feelings - Active listening and validating the other person’s feelings are crucial for effective communication and conflict resolution. Research shows that feeling heard and understood can significantly reduce resentment.  Listen without interrupting or defending yourself. Validate their feelings by acknowledging their pain and suffering (e.g., “I understand that you felt hurt and betrayed”).

6. Be Patient and Respect Boundaries - Healing takes time, and research shows that patience is key in the reconciliation process. Trying to rush forgiveness can backfire, leading to further hurt and mistrust.  Give the other person time to process and heal. Respect their boundaries, whether it’s space, time, or a gradual rebuilding of the relationship.

7. Demonstrate Change - Consistent behavior change is one of the most effective ways to rebuild trust. Studies on habit formation and behavioral change suggest that demonstrating new patterns of behavior is crucial to making amends. Commit to and follow through on positive changes. Let your actions over time show that you’ve learned from the experience and are committed to being better.

8. Apologize Without Expectations - Apologizing with the expectation of forgiveness can lead to disappointment and further strain the relationship. Research in social psychology emphasizes that making amends should be more about making things right than seeking forgiveness.  Apologize with no strings attached. Understand that forgiveness, if it comes, is a gift and not an obligation.

9. Engage in Self-Reflection and Personal Growth - Personal growth and self-reflection help to ensure that you don’t repeat harmful behavior. Research in developmental psychology highlights the importance of understanding the underlying reasons for your behavior.  Reflect on why you acted the way you did and what you’ve learned from the experience. Consider seeking therapy or counseling if needed to address deeper issues.

10. Follow Up Following up after the initial amends shows that you care about the relationship and the person’s well-being. It also provides an opportunity to reinforce positive changes.
Practice: Check in with the person periodically to see how they’re feeling and if there’s anything more you can do. This shows ongoing commitment to repairing the relationship.

Amends examples

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
Example: If you have betrayed someone’s trust, such as through dishonesty or infidelity, making amends effectively involves both a sincere apology and a commitment to change.


Action: Apologize sincerely, acknowledging the full extent of the betrayal and the pain it caused. Then, outline specific steps you will take to rebuild trust, such as being transparent, consistent, and open in your actions. Follow through with these changes over time, allowing the other person to see your commitment to repairing the relationship.

Restitution for Financial Harm
Example: If you caused financial harm, such as damaging someone’s property or not repaying a loan, the most effective way to make amends is to offer restitution.
Action: Pay back the money owed, or if possible, replace or repair the damaged item. If you cannot immediately provide full restitution, set up a clear plan with the person harmed, outlining how and when you will compensate them. This concrete action directly addresses the harm and demonstrates responsibility and commitment to making things right.

Repairing Emotional Harm in a Personal Relationship
Example: If you hurt someone emotionally, such as by saying something hurtful or neglecting them, making amends should focus on emotional restitution.


Action: Apologize with empathy, acknowledging the specific emotional impact of your actions. Offer to have an open conversation about their feelings, and listen actively without defending yourself. Show your commitment to change by being more considerate and attentive to their emotional needs moving forward. Checking in periodically to show ongoing care can reinforce that you value the relationship.


Summary:
Making amends is a complex process that requires humility, sincerity, and ongoing effort. By following these best practices, you can increase the likelihood of repairing relationships and fostering healing. Remember, making amends is not just about saying “I’m sorry”—it’s about taking meaningful actions that reflect your commitment to change.

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Inner Child work along with faith and fellowship is at the core of recovery from problematic sexual disorders.  Dr Dr's Jung, then Bradshaw and Whitfield and most recently Dr Capparucci have pioneered the work of the inner child and how he affects our adult thought life, belief's and behaviors.  

In Dr Capparucci's books Going Deeper and Why Men Struggle to Love, Dr Capparucci outlines the progression from early childhood events, to unhealthy beliefs and lies we tell ourselves to our the triggers of our wounded inner child living in a pool of shame screaming for relief in the midst of life's stressors.  

Dr Capparucci identifies 12 kid profiles from the Bored to the Abused, Unwanted and Entitled.  Each one has its own characteristics, belief's and Core Emotional Triggers.  The essence of building a healthier life out of problematic sexual behaviors is grounded in one's ability to understand their child, their triggers and when the past (triggers from our childhood trauma), meet the present day stressors (e.g. bullied as a kid and a colleague uses bullying tactics at work).  

The Twelve Kids

​The twelve kids

The Bored Child  - These children were often raised in an environment that offered little positive interaction among family members. Even if surrounded by people, they felt isolated and alone. They grew up learning to entertain themselves, and they find it more comfortable to be alone than with others. 
 
The Unnoticed Child - These children never felt they belonged. They had to chase friends and family members. They were rarely sought out. Today, they still have the craving to belong. 
 
The Unaffirmed Child - Many of these children grew up receiving little in the way of praise. Some may have received a constant stream of criticism. 
 
The Emotionally Voided Child - These children have a difficult time emotionally connecting with others. Along the way, they received the message that feelings were not important—and perhaps dangerous—and therefore, they are now unable to emotionally bond in a healthy way with others. 

The Need for Control Child - Growing up in a chaotic environment, these children seek to control their surroundings. Why? Because, as the past demonstrated to them, when a situation is out-of-control, they suffer consequences. 
 
The Entitled/Spiteful Child  These individuals were either the golden boy or made to feel devalued as children and teenagers. They lacked a voice or felt their desires and needs did not matter. 

The Inferior/Weak Child - These children were conditioned (by parents, siblings, peers, and others) to believe they are weak and inferior ( one down as Henry Cloud says in “Changes That Heal”). 
 
The Stressed Child - These children grew up feeling very anxious. They may have been raised in an environment that produced neglect, abuse, or trauma. 

The Early Sexually Stimulated and/or Abused Child These children were subjected to sexual stimulation at an early age, whether it was accidentally stumbling across pornography or being sexually molested. 

Spiritually wounded child - Spiritual wounding can be the most crushing form of abuse because it impedes the development of an individual’s relationship with his higher power or God. 

Enmeshed child - Enmeshment occurs when there is a lack of independence, excessive involvement between family members, and limited or no boundaries. Each family member melds into the next until there is no clear sense of individuality, but instead, a family unit that looks like one of Frankenstein’s creations.

The Unwanted - Belonging. Child developmental specialists understand having a sense of belonging is one of the strongest needs a kid must experience to generate and maintain healthy and vibrant relationships. Without this basic foundational pillar, children will struggle to develop a strong sense of self and constantly question their value.

Capparucci, Eddie. Going Deeper: Second Edition (p. 258). ALC. Kindle Edition. 

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Core emotional triggers are deeply rooted psychological stimuli or events that provoke strong emotional responses, often tied to past experiences, trauma, or unmet emotional needs. These triggers can activate intense feelings such as fear, anger, sadness, or shame, often out of proportion to the current situation, because they tap into unresolved emotional issues or vulnerabilities.

Some of the most common triggers include:

• Rejection
• Abandonment
• Feeling unfairly blamed
• Financial stress